Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
