Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We're too hungover to prance.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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