I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize