Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
