I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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