Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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