I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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