where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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