Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
