the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
