I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
