I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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