so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
