my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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