That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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