I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Im part way to drunk.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize