people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
