Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So much rum. So many feels.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
