I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
