I looked at my own cervix.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
