I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I AM VODKA MAN
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
