Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
