we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
