I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
