When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I have aggressive nipples.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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