I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
