My friends, they love my intelligence
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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