Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
