WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
