you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
