Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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