Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
