I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think I sprained my soul last night
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
