All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm always down for nudity.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize