My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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