oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize