Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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