I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
