i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
