I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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