Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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