I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
