I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
