i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
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