i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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