she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
