I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
