Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize