what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
