I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
