someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
