You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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