Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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