Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize