If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
