I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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