I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
