Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish you could order shots online.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
