So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
