I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize