why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
