soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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