They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize