but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
