you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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