fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
