my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
