So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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