I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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