there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
