grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
