I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
