It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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