Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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