It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
